“Helping nerds like you and me get over there fleshlights since 2011”
1.) Mass Effect/Bioware dialogue Role
One things sex books/ads on the internet about hot females in my area available now tell me is that women apparently like talking. Learning how to converse past “ahhhhhhhhhh trouser snake engage! “Is a hard skill and can take years of good old fashioned slog, who wants to do that?! Well no more thanks to Mass Effect and Biowares other B game Dragon Age all you have to do is follow an arbitrary dialogue wheel. The wheel is great because of its simple and elegant way of dealing with morality see if you want to just bang her then you follow the bottom left choices with such lines like “wana go hoe” and other classics like “C’mon baby you can do the dishes later!”. Meanwhile if you are looking for a serious relationship you only have to follow the bottom right options. These options will be more lame and pussy than a twilight movie but they will work e.g “I believe we should share the housework” or “lets watch a movie starring Katherine Heigl followed by a cuddle wuddle”. However be warned internet people some lines of dialogue will be locked and without training (it was called grinding in my day!!!) you will be not be able to access some of the crucial lines.
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| This dialogue option takes a lot of training believe me! |
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2.) Assassins Creed (Ezio)
Ezio Auditore is the biggest player in gaming today why you may ask? Well to be honest there are a few reasons. One he is a master assassin who fights for truth and justice. Two he has vision that allows him to see through people and see their glowy insides, but more importantly is his third reason his language. As soon as Ezio spurts out Italian NPCs go gaga and so do REAL WOMEN (I would know I’ve seen real boobies!). Ezio knows this and he uses it to his advantage if you actually go back and see how picks up his ladies, he lulls them with linguistic poetry and just when they are vulnerable he pulls out his other hidden blade! ROFL BANCHEE! So what you should take away internet people who want to go out and see boobs in RLD that’s real life definition (so in other words sub blu ray quality) is learn a few Italian phrases, I mean how hard can it be?
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| hehe use google translate! |
3.) Harvest Moon
A farming simulator!? How does that teach you to court women? I mean don’t farmers buy their wives at a market, hogtie them and bring her home on the back of the old ute? Yes most of the time they do.However in harvest moon half of the game is spent planting an awesome field of tomatoes that always gets raped by a tornado a day before harvest! While the other half is actually spent trying to get a wife and let me tell you this is no easy task! You have to buy a multitude of gifts, talk to them lots; it even includes random side quests you have to complete before they marry you. TRUST ME if you can get a wife in harvest moon real life you should be easy peasy. To apply the harvest moon tactic in real life you just have to find out what time she’s in the town square each day, what kind of flowers she likes, and what random side quest she has for you, and before you know it shell have dinner ready by six every day for the rest of eternity!
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| Mathematical Definition of Harvest Moon |
4.) Kinect Sports Season 2
This one’s a no brainer! According to Microsoft nothing is more cool and hip than swinging and flailing your arms like a complete retarded moron with a few mates. However if you really want to pull the honeys in you need to seal the deal with sayings like “FIST PUMP!” Remember internet coinsures women like cool and hip and nothing is cooler this summer than Kinect Sports Season 2 except maybe Skyrim, Saints Row the Third, Skyward Sword, Uncharted 3, Battlefield 3, Modern Warfare 3, Super Mario 3D Land, Mario kart 7, iPhone games…….Facebook Games urrrrr.
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| HARDCORE GAMERS |
5.) Goldeneye
It’s a natural fact in biology male’s display and females choose. The male that comes out victorious in a game of slappers only on Library will naturally appear attractive to any young female. He stands above the other 3 noobs as a tower of strength and therefore his genes will be passed on to the next generation. Unfortunately not everyone is amazing at goldeneye in these times of Halo and quickscoping, no matter there a several techniques to aid the rusty goldeneye player. Technique one make sure when it comes time to select your character you pick Odd Job as he is the smallest character and therefore harder to it! Secondly if available give your friend your broken controller, you know the one were the Z button doesn’t work or the one where the analogue stick is harder than diamond! This will insure that he gets Most Cowardly come the end of the match and you will be that much closer to actually touching women!!
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| The Original Troll |
Finally after all this talk of girls and love I wish to finish with a sad tale, about a guy who has chased his fair maiden for over 25 years now, constantly saving her life with no much as quickie for all his hard work. The man of course is mario
BONUS ROUND
This poor little plumber has been through hell for his lady, he’s jumped over fire pits, been chased by boulders, shot out of cannons! You name it Mario’s done it and all while keeping peppy and on task with his classic “ Letsa Go”. But the worst thing for Mario is princess peach has been “captured” by bowser way to many times to be called real kidnapping anymore, you see internet gentleman what we can learn from Mario is how to get over a broad. Peach treats her dinky plumber like dog crap; Mario goes through days of hiking and jumping through the mushroom kingdom and yet after this massive quest, there’s no vow of marriage, no quickie, not even an increase in security around princess peach! The way I see it she’s playing you hard Mario get out now while you’ve still got your youth, get yourself a little city apartment with a fixed term mortgage using the plumbing business as collateral and live it up!!!
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