The Top Five Most Annoying Online People and ways of coping The Top Five Most Annoying Online People and ways of coping “

1.)  The Twelve/thirteen year old

Now don’t get me wrong I was twelve once and so I know what it feels like to all of a sudden have one minute pubic hair on my underdeveloped penis and think I’m now invincible! However when I was twelve there was no way I could share and discuss my ideas through a microphone on Xbox live! There was no way for me to yell phrases like “YA MUM” “Fuck You Im actually 16 ya faggot” or the classic “Just because you’re a fat nerd at home with no girlfriend!” Yes as you can see all of a sudden the scrawniest white ginger twelve year old, probably named Clarence is all of a sudden a bad ass because his mum buys him Xbox live. The good thing is intelligent and articulated gamers like you and me : P can rise above his hormones in ways that will punish him and make us feel slightly higher up the social chain than normal.

Solution One: Constantly Team kill him

This one works well….very well as the video below will demonstrate

(The greatest freakout STOP BETRAYING ME!!)

  

Solution Two: Report him to xbox live for his offensive language and have him banned for a few days (so you can enjoy Battlefield 3 the way it’s meant to be played using teamwork and co-ordination)

2.) The CUNT that plays music in the pre-game lobby

FUCKEN FUCK sorry this one really grinds my gears!!!!! Are you that much of a cock to think that everyone wants to hear your obnoxious crap drum and bass (rap/metal are just as bad). Just because you are a failed musician who works at some seedy inner city stereo store does not give you right to rape my ears with your garbage!!!

Solution One: A Party invite with a twist!!!

Invite the man to the party (ohh yeah PlayStation and Wii……ahh yeah I guess you could chat with him on Skype?) And then proceed to make the most annoying sound in the world through the microphone, so his ears understand what mine have just been through! Alternatively if he was listening to Rap you could pretend to be a local hood rat and threaten to roll by his pad! (Nobody says drive by anymore! That’s so 90s)

Solution Two: Unplug your microphone (but that would be too sensible : P)

3.) The Noobs

You know who I’m talking about he’s the guy that tries to disarm a bomb on search and destroy that YOU’VE JUST PLANTED!!!! Or he’s the guy that joins halfway through a game of left 4 dead and runs off by himself! You get the picture, and I understand that we were all noobs at one point, but seriously cant there be a place for these people to learn how to play before jumping in the deep end of actual live/PSN/ Nintendo Wi-Fi????

Solution: My first Online Experience playlist

You know when you have children and you get them there first tea set, pony or whatever. We could have a playlist called “my first deathmatch” it would be great they could sit there and no one would win, they would all sit around team killing each other and talk about kinects, moves and iCasuals or whatever noobs talk about.

4.) The Veteran (aka the guy who’s the top rank in every game)

 Now I know we all like to be the best in our respective games, and that’s fine within a close circle of friends it provides friendly and rewarding competition. However in every game there is always that one guy who lives in his mum’s basement that takes it way too far. He’s the guy that prestige’s in call of duty on the first day; he has Doritos encrusted with sperm stuck to his smelly sweaty shirt that his mum only gets to wash every six months. This man child is hard core and nothing is stopping him from achieving 1^st in the global leaderboards not even his compulsion to have hourly masturbation breaks on porn hub!

Solution: Steal Host

Stealing host can be an effective way of evening the odds giving him the dreaded red connection! Watch as his highly accurate DMR or sniper shots turn to sporadic fire while you can just casually spray machine gun fire and come out on top every time!

This final one is highly specific and is very personal to me so sorry if this one doesn’t make sense

5.) CUNTS WHO PICK ZANGIEF ON STREET FIGHTER IV AND SPAM LB (aka the double lariat)

There have been so many times I have lost on Street Fighter IV because some MORON FUCK STAIN figures out that all he needs to win is press LB with zangief! I know you must be thinking ohh stop whining it means your obviously need some practice, (and yeah I guess a little bit of practice never hurt anyone: P) but oh no once I re challenged a Zangief cunt to match without zangief and I continually raped him for about five fights before he quit!

The Top Five PlayStation Zingers

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This Weeks VGM Treats

Here are this weeks great VG songs. ENJOY!!
1.) Glenns Theme (Chrono Trigger)
This song is an empowering song it makes you feel invincible, when I eventually establish a small republic devoted to video games Glenns theme will be the army's theme song.

2.) Phendrana Drifts (Metroid Prime)
This is a great background song, it has a real simple primal beat. A perfect song to play while cleaning, writing or whatever. Personally I have written so many uni assignments to Phendrana Drifts and songs like it, I can pretty much thanks Phendrana drifts (or more correctly Kenji Yamamoto) for that A in CHEM 305

3.) Castlevania 1
  This weeks 8 bit gem is Castlevania and boy is it a treat. Simple, beautiful great melodies which are a nice    juxtaposition for how ruthlessly hard Castlevania 1 is. So the tracks I will highlight particularly is stage 3 and 1

Stage 3

Stage 1

Resident Evil Revelations

"The Master of locking picking returns with steroid central in this action packed treat"

The Intro

Resident Evil is one of my favorite game series of all time and to be honest with you internet unlike the time I made a profile on a dating site I mean I have a pack of six but it’s not the one the women’s like……. ANYWAY as I was saying resident evil was the first game I turned off because I was legitimately scared, it was scary on so many levels, a creepy old mansion, in the middle of a forest, surrounded by feral zombie dogs. It also featured a great B horror movie plot and at that time those square and triangle polygons combined with the pre rendered backgrounds looked a right visual treat! Fast forward 16 years and the lore of Resident Evil is starting to rival metal gear in terms of WTF Factor! So when I first heard off this game I was actually a little turned off I thought yes this is what the resident evil needs another side story!(cause that worked so well with resident evil dead aim : p) However as soon as I saw actual in game footage the scared 7 year old who slept with his mum whenever he had good resident evil session came out, and I was actually scared! Ever since then I knew I was going to buy a 3DS and in all honesty it was the whole reason I actually did buy one.

The first time I ever swore out loud 

The Looks Department

Quite frankly all other companies developing for the 3DS, the Vita, the iCasual should just give up and use Capcom’s MT Framework engine. There is no way a game has ever looked this good on a system with underpowered hardware , not only that but the loading times are relatively short and there is minimal frame rate drop (with the 3D fully on the frame rate can sometimes chug more than my old arcade Xbox playing skyrim). The actual 3D effects are really well done and can be controlled in the options, which is great because compared to most 3DS games where there are either absolute migraines in 30 seconds or no noticeable effect at all this allows one to set the 3D to a comfortable level without raping ones corneas!

I Know Right........

Now that's just pure pornography

THE GAMEPLAY

 Resident Evil Revelations has two main ways to control the player the right way and the wrong way?

THE RIGHT WAY

The right way involves you investing in the circle pad pro which is a black monstrosity that clips onto your 3DS and gives you a second analogue stick. The main advantage of this being that it controls like a current generation 3^rd person shooter which is a massive pro in my book! The circle pad also has a number of other features such as two buttons on the right side the R and the Rz button which essentially function as the RT and RB of a 360 controller, and its comfortable ergonomic design fits well in ones hands particularly if one has giant hands. So those were the pros of the circle pad now for the cons. The main downside is the 3DS is about as portable as a cellphone from the 80s when the circle pad pro is attached, it is also powered by a separate AAA battery (which Nintendo thankfully supplies one with purchase!). Apart from that it feels comfortable and is personally far easier than using the single analogue stick and using the face buttons to control the camera.

3DS with Circle Pad Pro

The Wrong Way

The wrong way is where you don’t want to fork over an extra $20 to Nintendo, grow a pair and use the native controls of the game. This is where the analog stick is used for walking and the camera is controlled using the face buttons (B A X Y) which feels good until you try controlling the game using the circle pad pro then this method just feels so archaic and clumsy.

Final Points

Apart from the circle pad vs regular debate there are some really other good gameplay issues such as the ability to know walk and shoot welcome to the 90s Capcom!!! Also when it comes to actually shooting monsters you can choose to either use a 1^st person perspective or a 3^rd person, both work well and this facet is down to personal preference.

Multiplayer

The multiplayer mode aka Raid Mode  involves you and a REAL friend killing waves of enemies (so basically a horde mode) but what makes it interesting is that you can swap missions with other people using streetpass that means your next mission is just a friendly walk outside a neighbourhood school/kindergarten away!

The Story

The overall story fits well in to the resident evil universe, and leaves you with a new tidy morsel of resident evil cannon to file away. However it is quite obvious that some of the unanswered questions that will be more than likely addressed in Resident Evil 6 which is apparently coming out in November this year?

SO IN SUMMARY

Resident evil revelations has rewarded me on so many levels not only as a rabid fan of the series but as a person who is truly passionate about video games, it has all you would want in a 3^rd person shooter and it’s on an underpowered handheld!

SCORINGS

Resident Evil Revelations you are hereby sentenced to a 9/10

The Top Five games you need to play to improve your love life

“Helping nerds like you and me get over there fleshlights since 2011”

1.)  Mass Effect/Bioware dialogue Role

           One things sex books/ads on the internet about hot females in my area available now tell me is that women apparently like talking. Learning how to converse past “ahhhhhhhhhh trouser snake engage! “Is a hard skill and can take years of good old fashioned slog, who wants to do that?! Well no more thanks to Mass Effect and Biowares other B game Dragon Age all you have to do is follow an arbitrary dialogue wheel. The wheel is great because of its simple and elegant way of dealing with morality see if you want to just bang her then you follow the bottom left choices with such lines like “wana go hoe” and other classics like “C’mon baby you can do the dishes later!”. Meanwhile if you are looking for a serious relationship you only have to follow the bottom right options. These options will be more lame and pussy than a twilight movie but they will work e.g “I believe we should share the housework” or “lets watch a movie starring Katherine Heigl followed by a cuddle wuddle”. However be warned internet people some lines of dialogue will be locked and without training (it was called grinding in my day!!!) you will be not be able to access some of the crucial lines. 

This dialogue option takes a lot of training believe me!

2.)  Assassins Creed (Ezio)

 Ezio Auditore is the biggest player in gaming today why you may ask? Well to be honest there are a few reasons. One he is a master assassin who fights for truth and justice. Two he has vision that allows him to see through people and see their glowy insides, but more importantly is his third reason his language. As soon as Ezio spurts out Italian NPCs go gaga and so do REAL WOMEN (I would know I’ve seen real boobies!). Ezio knows this and he uses it to his advantage if you actually go back and see how picks up his ladies, he lulls them with linguistic poetry and just when they are vulnerable he pulls out his other hidden blade! ROFL BANCHEE! So what you should take away internet people who want to go out and see boobs in RLD that’s real life definition (so in other words sub blu ray quality) is learn a few Italian phrases, I mean how hard can it be?

hehe use google translate!

3.)  Harvest Moon

 A farming simulator!? How does that teach you to court women? I mean don’t farmers buy their wives at a market, hogtie them and bring her home on the back of the old ute? Yes most of the time they do.However in harvest moon half of the game is spent planting an awesome field of tomatoes that always gets raped by a tornado a day before harvest! While the other half is actually spent trying to get a wife and let me tell you this is no easy task!  You have to buy a multitude of gifts, talk to them lots; it even includes random side quests you have to complete before they marry you. TRUST ME if you can get a wife in harvest moon real life you should be easy peasy.  To apply the harvest moon tactic in real life you just have to find out what time she’s in the town square each day, what kind of flowers she likes, and what random side quest she has for you, and before you know it shell have dinner ready by six every day for the rest of eternity!

Mathematical Definition of Harvest Moon

4.) Kinect Sports Season 2

  This one’s a no brainer! According to Microsoft nothing is more cool and hip than swinging and flailing your arms like a complete retarded moron with a few mates. However if you really want to pull the honeys in you need to seal the deal with sayings like “FIST PUMP!” Remember internet coinsures women like cool and hip and nothing is cooler this summer than Kinect Sports Season 2 except maybe Skyrim, Saints Row the Third, Skyward Sword, Uncharted 3, Battlefield 3, Modern Warfare 3, Super Mario 3D Land, Mario kart 7, iPhone games…….Facebook Games urrrrr. 

HARDCORE GAMERS

5.) Goldeneye

It’s a natural fact in biology male’s display and females choose. The male that comes out victorious in a game of slappers only on Library will naturally appear attractive to any young female. He stands above the other 3 noobs as a tower of strength and therefore his genes will be passed on to the next generation. Unfortunately not everyone is amazing at goldeneye in these times of Halo and quickscoping, no matter there a several techniques to aid the rusty goldeneye player. Technique one make sure when it comes time to select your character you pick Odd Job as he is the smallest character and therefore harder to it! Secondly if available give your friend your broken controller, you know the one were the Z button doesn’t work or the one where the analogue stick is harder than diamond! This will insure that he gets Most Cowardly come the end of the match and you will be that much closer to actually touching women!!

The Original Troll

Finally after all this talk of girls and love I wish to finish with a sad tale, about a guy who has chased his fair maiden for over 25 years now, constantly saving her life with no much as quickie for all his hard work. The man of course is mario

BONUS ROUND

Mario

This poor little plumber has been through hell for his lady, he’s jumped over fire pits, been chased by boulders, shot out of cannons! You name it Mario’s done it and all while keeping peppy and on task with his classic “ Letsa Go”. But the worst thing for Mario is princess peach has been “captured” by bowser way to many times to be called real kidnapping anymore, you see internet gentleman what we can learn from Mario is how to get over a broad. Peach treats her dinky plumber like dog crap; Mario goes through days of hiking and jumping through the mushroom kingdom and yet after this massive quest, there’s no vow of marriage, no quickie, not even an increase in security around princess peach! The way I see it she’s playing you hard Mario get out now while you’ve still got your youth, get yourself a little city apartment with  a fixed term mortgage using the plumbing business as collateral and live it up!!!

I have no idea what happened there...

As you have probably noticed the piece on chrono trigger is slightly broken so here is hopefully the full text with out the crazy white lines!!! Stupid internet its just biased against niche indie games like chrono trigger

      Chrono Trigger 3 Time Ticks On

As my few friends know I am obsessed with a little niche game called Chrono Trigger it stands above all other games I’ve played in my life as number one, yes even above the calls of duty! To make this title all Nintendo would need to do is bring together the original dream team of Akirya Toriyama (Artist/Creator of the dragon ball universe), Hironobu Sakaguchi (creator of the final fantasy series) and Yuji Horii (artist/designer involved with the dragon quest series). Lock these amazing human beings in a small room along with miyamoto to add a pinch of his magic pixie dust and BAM! My childroom dream is reality and you have secured one crazed skinny white boy come release night.

The Five Wii U launch titles that would make me sell my mother to get a Wii U on launch day

“Rants that encourage Fan Boy wars since 2011”

      Chrono Trigger 3 Time Ticks On

As my few friends know I am obsessed with a little niche game called Chrono Trigger it stands above all other games I’ve played in my life as number one, yes even above the calls of duty! To make this title all Nintendo would need to do is bring together the original dream team of Akirya Toriyama (Artist/Creator of the dragon ball universe), Hironobu Sakaguchi (Creator of the final fantasy series) and Yūji Horii (Artist/Designer involved with the dragon quest series). Lock these amazing gentleman in a small room along with Miyamoto to add a little of his magic pixie dust and BAM my childhood dream is done and you have secured that one crazed skinny white man will line up for days to get a Wii U on release day. 

Real Professional Ben 

Metal Gear Solid 5 Snakes Alive!!!

Metal gear is not only one of the best game series it is also unfortunately one of the most confusing. So to make this game happen would be relatively easy all we would need to do is spike Kojimas drink with acid and then he can sort out the plot holes created by this fifth game at a later date. You know let’s say 4 games down the track  :p......(If no one else gets this joke I’m going to cut my Jacobs off!) In all seriousness metal gear has always been known for its depictions of society through various perspectives whether it’s the cold war or the not too distant future so how about a metal gear game that deals with the official origin of the patriots or how snake is going to survive in a retirement village!

Metroid HD

2D games can still generate large sacs of gold in this day in age of aiming down sights and internets and no game suits the 2D plane more than Metroid. Don’t get me wrong I am a huge fan of the prime series but let’s get back to the series roots how about a Metroid game where samus goes rogue and traverses the galaxy destroying every single last space pirate ship until she can finally have a Wii rest and put her feet up knowing that Ridley is SERIOUSLY not coming back this time! Metroid Fusion proved that being on a lone ship can be still be claustrophobic and scary for Ms. Aran and to be honest I wouldn’t mind seeing samus in her zero suit in 1080p……. P.S Have Kenji Yamamoto whip another great soundtrack for this title and that’s a guaranteed winner! 

So Basically this Nintendo

Nintendo Classics Collection HD

This concept has worked well for other companies in the past such as Namco and Sega so imagine a company such as Nintendo with an entire massive library of classic games just waiting to be updated with leaderboards, commentaries, original soundtracks plus some form of achievements and online play!!! The nerdgasms that would be had over this announcement would be phenomenal.

Super Mario Universe HD Land

I know this one’s a bit of a cop out but if you look to some of Nintendo’s past systems such as the NES, SNES and the N64 all launched with a Mario game, barring the exception of the original Mario Bros are all amazing games that still hold up today, Mario is one plumber that I can’t wait to see in HD and I know thousands of you out there would agree!

Pwetty Pwease Mr. Nintendo

BONUS

Nintendo Network Live

To be honest a bought a Wii that’s how much of a Nintendo fanboy I am. So basically to sum it up I paid $400 for a GameCube that’s controlled with a dildo! So if Nintendo gets anything right next generation please please let it be the internets. With the 3DS Nintendo have proven that they at least know what the internets are so that’s a good start. It’s not that hard get rid of the friend codes, copy the party system of xbox live and integrate the Wii U with other Nintendo devices such as the 3DS and you’ll be on the road to understanding the internets and life in the 21^st century.

Arr what the hell at the end of the day regardless how much Nintendo possibly screw up the Wii U I can probably guarantee this whitey will be lining up outside come the end of this year.

Skyward Sword the Lowdown…..3 months late FML!!!

 “Playing The Games you know longer care about, 24/7 because you have access to a real vagina”

As some of you may know I may be slightly bias towards motion controls : P So to be honest with you, my one reader….. I was a bit nervous when I purchased skyward sword, I was thinking “ At the very least I’m supporting GOOD Nintendo games unlike that atrocious Wii Music or Nintendogs!!!! GRRR” But to my great surprise the motion controls work exceptionally well and the only reasons why I died every single DAMN time I encountered a new enemy/boss(which I would like to note has never happened to me in a Zelda game before!!) is like most gamers I’ve spent my years as a gamer sprawled on a couch covered in chips pressing A to swing a sword, and have not spent years learning how to block and parry using an actual sword. This is the first and personally hardest barrier into playing skyward sword, when you get it right however the hours of profanities yelled at the TV seem to disappear and feelings of elation come over as you officially bet a stalfos with actual swordsman skills and not by spamming A (By the way if you don’t know what a stalfos is then you probably shouldn’t be reading this, you know I’ll wait while you leave….Casual). So to summarize the motion controls they work brilliantly, and if you put the effort in and actually think about how you might use a sword in real life success will probably be no more than 3 deaths away!!Once more they really show the potential of motion plus after 2 years from its initial release another great business decision from Nintendo there : )

The next thing after the controls you may focus upon is the overall presentation and the aesthetics of the game, the game has some beautiful cell shaded graphics which are aesthetically pleasing. However as I was playing through skyward sword I was right next to my little brother who was playing skyrim and you just sit there shed a little tear and wonder why on earth can’t I have an HD Link looking all hot in his Kokiri Tunic, the sweat dripping from his brow as he fights to protect the creatures hyrule (Oh I’ve got a raging nerd boner right now excuse me….) Instead I have some 480p imposter! Apart from that the menu/interface design is great and the new pouch system allows one to easily change items in the heat of battle which is a very welcome to change to the Zelda’s of old.

Yay 480p!!!

1080p MothaFucker!

One of the most drastic departures from a traditional Zelda formula is the development of characters. First and foremost is the relationship of Link to Zelda in skyward sword they are childhood friends and have developed a very close and personal relationship, with all the sexual innuendo and tension that goes along with it. You can see that Link really cares about Zelda this time she’s not just some babe telling him to save her kingdom so he can get a quickie in the castle bog! She’s the love of his life the whole reason he embarks on this insane quest is to get her back so she can pop a few sprites out and live happy ever after. There are some actually touching moments between the two and though they are as cliché as JRPG big breasted girl dying they are by no means not poignant. Nintendo have really done well developing other characters such as Links initial rival for Zelda’s heart Grouse he has a great character arc which turns him into the lovable idiot that in the end manages to actually be helpful. Links faithful bird is another great character that you really begin to feel an emotional connection to. Ghirahim the antagonist throughout most of the game appears to be designed by someone working at sqauresoft in the 90s but with an emo fringe and is unfortunately really one of the poorer character designs in this game.

The final character worth mentioning is Links most annoying helper yup even more annoying than navi is Fi! Fi is probably based on what Nintendo think an internet troll is, with such annoying phrases as “Master did you know you are low on hearts?” with my usual response being “what the fuck do you think bitch!” Or something along those lines : p

As with every Zelda game the music is great and adds to the overall experience with some notable tunes being the sky exploration theme, which is just as memorable as the over world theme of old. Grouses theme is the classic comedic character theme. Finally the very touching rendition of Zelda’s lullaby which made by body go into a warm gooey nostalgia like state.

Grooses Theme

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xD1FAOJI84&feature=BFa&list=PLD1F8924F0C0FDAF8&lf=results_main

 Skyward Exploration

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRbROTdOgj0&feature=BFa&list=PLB81C15F1314EEFF0&lf=results_main&index=15

Zeldas Lullaby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAVn71rNImI&feature=BFa&list=PLB81C15F1314EEFF0&lf=results_main

The last point I wish to make is skyward sword does a really great job of adding to the Zelda lore with its simple yet elegant explanation for the origin of skyloft and the master sword, and the connection between the triforce, link, Zelda and the gods.

So internet dweeb is skyward sword for me???

If you are hungry to understand more of the Zelda lore, you have a spare 40 hours and don’t mind learning basic sword techniques then this game is for you : )

Skyward sword in the end to me was an absolute must I went in not expecting much and what I got was an absolute treat, I promise to never doubt you again Miyamoto and Aonuma MAX RESPECT HOMIES.

8/10 A great game anyway you Slice it!!! Fuck you internet Im not going to waste my A game on you anymore!!